Simplified Stories

Smother

SimplifedStories — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 04:42:54 +0000

I want to be touched with passionate hands, with a sentimental kiss, with a sensual warmth. It’s unbearable, this yearning. I want to be loved by someone who will love me for me. I want to love someone as much as I loved him. I am afraid to love physically, for my tears will spill because of who I have loved physically and emotionally. When i love someone, I am afraid my love will not be there emotionally.

Lately I have been shrouded in my own thoughts. I may have worked all of last week, except Monday, but I want to forget about these thoughts… I won’t revert to how I used to be, before him. That’s not an option… I like a couple of people, but I can’t do anything and I won’t. I found out some people like me and I feel horrible that they do… I’m not a good person to like… I hurt everyone easily, I don’t take people’s feelings into consideration… I’m horrible.

I want my thoughts to disappear but they won’t, and I won’t do anything to make them vanish. I remember when he said that “we both went into this relationship knowing it wouldn’t last forever.” That was at the beginning of it. In the middle, we did want it to last forever, but honestly, it never was going to last forever, and I never knew that I would have shared everything with him. I sincerely wish it could have been forever. I really wish it could have been longer, at least make happier memories. It’s really sad. I’m not ready to give back these things. I feel so, so light yet heavy. The necklace is off, and has been off and I miss it… I want it back on, but I won’t put it on.

I need myself. If I have any relationship, physically, with another guy I will regret it… I will cry, I will be upset and down. Even more lonelier… Maybe I can do what others have told me… Be a whore and become empty inside… I don’t know anymore…

I wrote an undelivered letter… I’m not going to send it not matter how much I want to. I want to have contact but I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. My head hurts. I’ve cried on and off today.

What should I do? Have you felt like this? Do you understand? Do you have advice? I know I should stay away from guys, but what other friends do I have?

Goodbye

SimplifedStories — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 03:44:12 +0000

“Goodbye,” I’ll say

Pain

SimplifedStories — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 04:19:45 +0000

You know what’s hard? Trying to find someone to fill that hole in your heart. But what’s even harder, to be with someone when your heart is filled with someone else, eventually your mind will follow. It’s hard to control that yearn for your true loves touch, and kiss. It’s hard to watch all these romantic movies and listen to all these songs… My mind is just on one. This is really hard. It’s hard to be alone, it’s hard to accept that you aren’t with the one who has made who you are today. It’s very painful to see your future plans crash around you when that person says those horrid words… It’s hard to say goodbye. Will I ever say Goodbye?

It’s dreadfully painful. I don’t even know if you read this anymore.

There is a lot of stress going on now. My family is getting worse… I wish I could tell him this, tell me that things will work out in the end. I guess not… Anyway, My mother came into work crying and I was scared. My father lied to us, again. He said he was gambling to be able to pay our house bills, but he is probably cheating. I had a connection with my mom the other day; I came to her for help. Today, she came to me. She is in pain, and I don’t want her to be, I realize my father is not the man for her… I had a idea, but I can’t do it. I’m thinking about it though, moving out, saving money, buying our apartment and working, quitting school… I could. I really could, it wouldn’t be that hard, seeing as I don’t really have many attachments anymore…

Okay, on an up note, this week was pretty ridiculous. On Monday, I got dumped, then I got popcorn spilled all over me. On Thursday I got bad memories and some small regrets and a coke poured on me, then yesterday I got perfume sprayed in my mouth and nose. It was funny…

…

These songs are painful. I’m trying really hard to get over you, but why is it that all I want is you… Any hug and smile and laugh from anyone else just reminds me of you. When I see you at school, I want to look away, I have to, I force myself too. If I look at you, I will want you even more. I try to stay busy but my mind always returns to me. I’m going to hurt someone soon, I can feel it… I can’t last any longer… God. I’m tired of this, I can’t find anyone yet, It’s taking to long. I don’t want another failed relationship in this small town. I don’t want to think of all the other ones or compare the new ones. I have changed for you, but have you ever tried for me? What do I do? What do I do?

Market

SimplifedStories — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 01:25:01 +0000

Well, I’m now single. The person I loved most broke up with me, because he didn’t love me like he did. I saw this coming, just not this soon… Not this soon. I’m okay, for now, I let a lot of tears fall during school, was able to focus a bit. After school I went to a movie, and then Palmers to eat, that got my mind off of it all. I need friends more than ever right now… I need them.

At the movie, Chronicle, my friend Brent spilled popcorn on me. Haha, it was because he got spooked.

I’m planning to write more now, I need to get my mind off of everything, my dad might take me shopping some time this week. I need people… This is really hard.

Well, I’ve got to go. Bye.

Books

SimplifedStories — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 21:11:33 +0000

So, I think I am starting to love reading. I’m and so engrossed in my books. I’m finishing my Blue Blood’s series. I can’t stop reading it! I almost finished The Van Alen Legacy but my boyfriend and my ex showed up. We are driving around and watching retarded videos. Now were in McDonald’s. I don’t know what to eat… I don’t want to waste Pat’s money. I didn’t want to be kind of an irritant. I should of got something off the dollar menu, damn. I want to finish reading my book… well I’m going to eat.

Drown yourself in music

SimplifedStories — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 00:39:41 +0000

Do you ever have those times when you just want to escape from everything?

When that happens to me, I want to blare music, throw my phone out the window, scream, cry, sing as loud as I can… Even though I suck. Today is a day like that. I’m wanting to blare my music and all. Sadly I can’t, my parents are home.

Instead I have Pandora radio on and I am finding and getting songs that I like. Yeah. Is it weird that I feel like I am not in my own body?

I don’t really know what to post…

It’s finally going to snow here, tremendously, so the news says. Haha. Were supposed to have a blizzard and at work today, it was so pretty.

Well, that’s all….

Right now.

SimplifedStories — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 03:58:41 +0000

Right now,
a moment in time
speaking now, or listening.
Thinking or random
indifferent thoughts.
Reading reasonable things;
texts, posts, pages, sites.
All part of my master plan
named Procrastination.
Yes, procrastination is always my
“right now”
it’s pretty nice. Like now,
I am trying not to stop.
Stop the typing,
thinking.
Just keep writing.
Beat the live preview.
I want to feel awesome.
Is something
wrong with me?
No, I am just initiating my
Master plan.
PROCRASTINATION.
Well don’t we all have that plan.
it’s fun.
But now it’s time for it to end.
that is my random poem.
Now I shall laugh at the
stupidity
pointless
feeling of it.

What do you think? I just came up with that, and it is completely random. I am listening to FFDP Pandora radio and typing, again procrastination. I don’t want to do anything really. Aha. Well I have to go I guess. >.<

Cocoa

SimplifedStories — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 05:29:03 +0000

Hot chocolate drinks
On chilly winter nights
What a sweet delight.
~
Well that is my haiku on hot chocolate. They are the best for mildly gold to freezing temperatures. It’s a wonderful feeling; the silky feeling of a mildly hot, sweet tasting refreshment. Mm.

Apologies with curse words.

SimplifedStories — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 23:19:27 +0000

My apologies for not keeping up with my blog. I have been busy with school, work, and myself. I’m not going to cry anymore, fuck that. What is crying going to do anyway; eyes become pussy, face and chest red, nothing else.

I don’t want to be how I am anymore, I am going to fucking change, I’m getting pissed off at myself, I am ruining everything around me, for what fucking reason? Nothing, that’s what. I don’t want to destroy what I have and reading my boyfriends letters now, just made me realize what I have done. It’s fucked up.

I’m sorry for all of the curse words too.

I realize that my boyfriend is busy with things besides me, it’s not all about me. He is dating me so I know that I will be able to see him again, even if it’s not at the times I want to. I shouldn’t be upset that he is having ‘guy time.’ He doesn’t need to spend every fucking second with me. Nothing is that big of a deal, but I make it seem like it, because I am a fucking immature child who wants all the attention on herself. Fucked up. IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY! It’s not all about me, and my friend was right. It isn’t and only now do I realize that I have made it out to be all about me.

It’s like what the fuck is wrong with me? I’m a fucking teenage girl, and an annoying one at that. I need to shut the fuck up and not care about me all the fucking time.

I think I am done with my fucking rant. I’m still sorry about the foul language, I’m a bit pissed off at myself for being so fucking oblivious. Ugh.

January 1st, 2012

SimplifedStories — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 16:50:32 +0000

I can’t believe it’s here.

A while ago, I wanted to spend the first day of the year with my boyfriend. A new year, a new… refreshing start. That’s kind of what I was hoping for. To be honest, this wasn’t the best New Years I’ve had. All the ones I have had before were when I was single, so it was normal, except for last year, but I don’t know what I did. I think I just slept. I spent midnight and hours before it with my mother. I took a drink of a fuzzy navel for the New Year, a drink to ending my worst year ever. I took a sip of Tequila with my mother, symbolizing that we were a bit closer. It doesn’t feel like it though… I don’t know what is going to be different this year… I know I miss my boyfriend like crazy, I love him more than I ever knew I could, thanks to a devastating break up that I initiated. Thankfully we are back together, but I don’t know if we are stronger than ever, or so fragile something can easily break it…

What is my New Years Resolution?
*I want to love, care, think, and take into consideration of my boyfriends feelings.
*I want to be closer with my family.
*I want to spend less time dawdling on the computer, and actually do something.
*I want to make and keep friends.
*I want to try and fix broken or hurt friendships.
*I want to write, draw, sing, and do more things that I like to do.
*I want to change how I do things.
There is a lot more too…

I love my boyfriend, so, so much. I don’t really show my feelings or take his into consideration when I do things. It’s hard, really hard for me. When I first started dating him, everything was amazing, I knew that it had to be him. I have never been with someone like him. This was at the beginning, when he came to my house, I had a lot of firsts and he was surprised… And now I am thinking, he must of done that with his past girlfriends… But it’s the past. I don’t know what to do really, things have changed so much. I cheated on him, and it still hurts. I don’t know how to accept it and some of the things I do, hurt him. I don’t know. My mind is just jumping place to place, a part of me is saying that if you hurt him so much then you shouldn’t be with him, and another part is screaming don’t give him up, try and heal him. I don’t know how. I desperately wish I could erase it all, a small part of my wishes that I could erase myself from the world. It’s hard, these conflicting things in my mind. It’s driving me nuts and so badly do I want to cry over it all. But I won’t. I don’t want to cry…

I rambled to long.

School starts on the 3rd, and I need to finish typing December Never Ends, so I will update later.

Happy New Year!